Today it’s time to share with You the history of my spiritual change- my testimony. In this post I’ll share with You how I found the best version of myself in Jesus and how I quit the mindset of “never being … enough and always having to be better, more” that comes from the world we all live in. Hope you’ll enjoy it and get inspired!
The more, the better
I have been raised in a christian family, where praying and going to church every Sunday was ‘normal’- that’s why these things have always been natural for me. I am really grateful for that because I had a possibility to meet God already in my childhood!
For many years I’ve been a member of many catholic groups (I’ve also been a leader of them for some time!) and every summer I spent a few weeks in the mountains or other towns on retreats. Generally, when You saw me from the outside, You could have said that I have been ‘that’ christian girl. This way I have been perceived for a long time- also by those who had never had anything in common with Jesus. Now I know- in that time there were moments when I hadn’t been close to Him at all. All my actions, engagement came from a feeling embedded in the depths of my soul, that I need to do a lot of stuff in case to earn the love of Jesus. I was convinced that the more I achieve, the higher is the possibility of me being loved and seen. As You can easily guess, this way of thinking didn’t only refer to my relationship with God but also to other people and myself.
For a very long time I thought that to live a full life is to have something to be proud of and to share on my social media. All the places I’ve been to, books I’ve read, languages I’ve learnt- my head was constantly fixed on more and more, to be ‘the girl’, putting myself in the first place. Now I know that love is not something that can be earned by completing all the tasks on my ‘things to do before I die’ list.
It can always be done better
Last year I (finally) discovered a problem I have been struggling with for a long time. I am a perfectionist. Before I hadn’t been conscious that there might be anything wrong in that- in our world’s eyes it is an extremely desirable feature. Perfectionism was the cause of my complexes, eating disorders, too high expectation I set for myself in the terms of studying. Being scared to admit it even in front of myself, I constantly compared myself with others.
A breakthrough moment
After I moved to Cracow to start uni naturally a lot of things changed. Tens of new acquaintances, other daily tasks, less time with my family and friends from my home town and finally a beginning of a relationship I had been praying for for many months. Apart from the changes in the ‘outside’ world, I also felt that I was changing inside of me. A breakthrough played a significant role in my story was an invitation to one of the churches in Cracow, where I discovered the power of community and worship. Lots of preachings, testimonies and prayers that I’ve experienced there, step by step started filling up the hole I had in my heart. Calls to radical changes and being a christian “fully” were something that I had needed for a very long time.
A gradual process
From the beginning of my adventure in the KDM church have already passed a couple of months. After every service or meeting, when I saw the great power of Jesus being present in the lives of my colleagues, I felt more and more excited to surrender my life to Him. I have to admit that I needed to struggle a lot with thoughts like “my problems are no problems at all, other people face worse hardships in their lives” or “I already believe in Jesus, I have received many blessings so I doubt whether anything else may happen”- but I know that it was the voice of darkness.
While I was opening my heart to trust God, I was more and more able to see that Holy Spirit was present in my life. “You can trust me”- reassuring voice was saying in the back my head.
Trust
This voice has been present in my head until now. Jesus let me escape the mindset according to which I need to complete some certain tasks in order to earn His love. When after being down in the dumps in terms of spirituality I rediscovered the amazing plans that God has on me, I started seeing a lot of positive changes in my lie. First of all: I try to trust God rather than taking control of everything in my life. When I share with Him my anxieties, weaknesses and hopelessness I feel and I believe that He enters into that with His refreshing power. That is how my mindset has changed from ‘doing more’ to ‘seeing more’, what became an inspiration to share the Good News with other people. So here I am, creating this online space to show You how God can change our lives!
Never alone
Did all my problems disappear and did my life become easier when I decided to follow Jesus! Of course not! I still happen to have bad days and be unmotivated, but that is okay because now I have a different approach.
Recently a colleague asked me a question: “When you are in trouble or have a problem, is there someone you turn to and you’re sure that this person will always help you?”. My instant response was: “Yes, Jesus”. In that moment I was surprised that this thought had come to me so naturally.
I think that being conscious of His enduring presence in my life (even when I keep making up excuses to pray or giving Him just 5 minutes of my day) means a world to me. It gives me a profound sense of peace and tranquility. No matter how hard my life is at the moment, He knows what I feel and He is with me in all that.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me”. – Mk 16:24
For me the friendship with Jesus is a constant process of shutting down my ego. I believe that when I open myself to His voice and I take care of this relationship then He has a possibility to work in my life and change me so that I could be the best version of myself in Him.
I have already experienced a huge amount of situations when He worked. He has performed many miracles, changing me from a girl full of insecurities into a happy, fulfilled Daughter of God. I am sure that it is only a beginning His plans for my life and I honestly can’t wait to see what He is preparing for me and my loved ones for the future!
And what is Your testimony? Or maybe You are still in the process of searching meaning and purpose in everything that You are doing? If You want to share Your thoughts, send me a DM or leave a comment!
With love,
Kasia
